A Doctor who cares

Today I had an appointment with the mastectomy doctors.  I left their office feeling stupid and foolish for my emotions.  I couldn't figure out what I expected them to do.  Finally, I realized that they weren't rude or anything, I just wished they could have shown that they care.  I guess I can't really expect them to care when they have only met me once and maybe I'm just super sensitive about it all.  They just came in and went straight to business and just spouted out what they would do and what to expect.  I really did feel like just another patient.  I kept asking myself if they realized how emotional this surgery is for women.  When I was recovering from my hysterectomy in the hospital, I even asked my obgyn if he would come and be there for my other surgery.  I told him that I want to feel like there's a doctor there who cares.  I don't know if he'll actually come or not or if that's even allowed, but it made me realize how important that is to me.  I felt so alone coming out of that doctor's office.  Everyone that I would talk to was working.  Guess I need to be working too so I don't have so much time to think about all this.  I'm not forgiving of my emotions at all.  I keep telling myself to pull it together and quit whining.  Things could be worse and I should just be grateful that I can have this preventative surgery.  I'm not used to dealing with my emotions.  Even writing this blog right now, I hear a voice in my head telling me that other people don't want to hear anymore about this and that there are so many worse things going on for other people.  I am feeling better now.  I just needed a good cry and I will move ahead.  I scheduled my mastectomy surgery for March 31.  I guess that freaked me out too.
I'm looking forward to focusing on memorizing Scripture in 2014.  I think this will be a tremendous blessing and encouragement.  To be honest, I keep forgetting to talk to God about all this.  At least I had a good conversation with Him today.  I've only accomplished a few things on my To Do list, but it has been a restful time for me.  I am starting to look forward to returning back to work and normal life for a few months.  I love all of you and hope you have a beautiful Christmas.

Tired

I'm tired.
I'm tired of talking about the breast cancer gene.
I'm tired of thinking about it.
I'm tired of researching it.
I'm tired of explaining why I had a hysterectomy.
I'm tired of obsessing about it in my mind.
I even wonder if my BRCA sisters get tired of talking about it.  Maybe they have moved past it now and don't necessarily want to rehash it all.
I'm tired of worrying about how I'm going to get through the other surgery.
I'm tired of worrying about how I'm going to deal physically and emotionally with it all.
I'm tired of not being able to pick up my baby!
Maybe I should just go to bed.
:)

A Lot to Live For

I couldn't be happier!!
1.  I have the sweetest, most beautiful baby girl whose smile melts my heart.  I love to listen to her giggle and babble.  Even though I can't pick her up for 7 more weeks, I can still snuggle with her.

2.  I have the smartest, most awesome son in the world.  His enthusiasm for life brings me much joy.  I love talking with him about what he's learning and answering his deep questions.

3.  I married the best man in the world.  We are so perfect for each other.  He loves our children and is a great father.  He also makes me feel loved and special.  I love his sense of humor and his compassion for those around him.

4.  I love my job!  This is the exact job I have always wanted, I just didn't know it.  I love my students and they make me so happy.  I enjoy the many opportunities to challenge myself and keep becoming a better teacher.  I also have the BEST co-workers in the world!

5.  I am blessed by the love and concern of so many friends and family members.  I am awed by how many people have checked on us, brought us food, taken care of the kids and prayed for us.  I don't think I realized how many very special people I have in my life.

6.  I also have the love of my Savior.  He gives me grace when I fail and He loves me unconditionally.  He gives me the strength to face my obstacles and the hope of eternity with Him.

I definitely have A LOT to live for.  I may mourn the loss of certain body parts, but I praise God for the overflowing of blessings in my life.